Yolanda Millan Apolonio

Please click on the image for title of the piece.

In my last years of university, I was going through a difficult time in my life. I was getting bullied by others again. I was assaulted multiple times by a roommate I couldn’t get out of the lease until after a year. When I tried to tell others it was hard for me to say the truth. Instead I ask them for other advice and listen to their struggles. I started the series “Now I See What You Mean”. I couldn’t look people in the eyes because of the shame I felt. I couldn’t paint faces. When I finally left that apartment, I stayed in the dorms for my last year at university. I made so much work at that time. From sculptures and new pieces. I spent almost 9 hours each day in the studio running away. It came at the cost of my shoulders. I remember one day I couldn’t move them anymore. I went to physical therapy for the first time. When I finally had the courage to report my abuser, the police didn’t take me seriously. “It happened a year ago and now you want to report it? What were you wearing? “
I still waited for their call back but I never got one.

When I moved to Japan, I only planned to stay 2 - 3 years and go back to school to get my masters. But Covid happened and I decided to stay in Japan. The odd hours at work and the loneliness was growing on me and I decided to forget parts of myself. I went on my first summer vacation that year with my ex. I had a great time seeing parts of Japan I never knew. But I wasn’t happy in that relationship. I ended it with him while also quitting that job. My art wasn’t making me happy anymore so I decided to stop making art until I was ready to accept all the memories I had forgotten. And I forgot a lot of it. These pieces are photos of the trips I took in the four year of exploring the country thinking I was happy. They are in the point of view of real part of me that was stuck behind in my mind. As she could only watch what I was doing. She was screaming at me to wake up and get back into my art. When I remember everything and all of it all at once I couldn’t stop crying. I was so ashamed and angry at myself the guilt ate me alive. My eye condition got worse as well. That is when I started the series “Was it worth it?” In the end it wasn’t.